Be Gone, You Awful Entities?

There are some days when I just want to disappear. Close off the world to every entry to me. I’d retreat to an area with little to no cell reception. Toss all my belongings into a bag just like this.

There would be only two people who would lay eyes on me: the corner store clerk and the librarian. They would see me as the quiet, bearded man. Yes, in this fantasy, I happily threw away all my razors.

“He just shrugs, grunts, and occasionally grins,” they’d say about me.

I’d read so much that the librarian would be forced to update their collection. Eventually, all the wisdom would mount that I’d feel a need to share it with others.

But since I’m not there, I’ve got Bella to share her stories. It often feels like the universe has handed me a living, breathing, yet slightly needy book. One that’s warm and a damn good cuddler. One that needs food. Shelter. Protection from Hancho.

The DIY entity removal process didn’t work in Bella’s favor. She still awoke in the middle of the night with panic. Trembled hours before Hancho returned home. Fell asleep in a work meeting — can’t blame her for that one.

New York City is outnumbered by shaman types. Lots of them are frauds. Bella researched fifty of them and found one that most resonated with her. It was a grown Jewish man who called himself Shadowfeather. He listened to Bella, tuned into her energy, and then suffered a violent three-minute coughing fit.

Upon regaining composure, Shadowfeather said, “You have zero entities, darling. Whatever work must have cleared you. However, the issue is this Hancho person. Run. He wishes to enmesh himself with you. Weaken you. Hide his manipulative tactics by calling it love.”

Shadowfeather proceeded to list domestic violence shelters, but Bella assured him she didn’t need it. She’d get out fast. He almost didn’t let her leave, then remembered his role: shaman, not Bella’s poppa.

In the next episode, we’ll see how long it took Bella to follow Shadowfeather’s advice.

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Doug’s Funhouse?

Doug’s Funhouse sounds like the title for an orgy porn. Guarantee you, it’s not.

He’s away on a reunion with old friends…literally. Doug might be the youngest one in attendance.

While he’s away, Doug wants to assure his plants stay alive. Why he asked me to tend to his plants is beyond me. One plant, resembling a young money tree, took a turn for the worse. Its leaves were bright, dark green when Doug first left. Three days later, they’ve browned.

There was a time when I thought I had a green thumb. Tended to a few gardens where cucumbers exploded to the hundreds. But isn’t that what cucumbers do?

Getting back to this funhouse concept, I was tempted initially to tidy his entire home. Everything similar would go into their own separate boxes. As I counted the number of categories of things Doug owned, I would buy Walmart out with all their plastic boxes. I’d still run short and then have to take a trip to Staples. No…thank…you

Organizing another person’s crap is no fun, anyhow. So, I sat on Doug’s massage chair, blasted Lonesome Doves, and pretended to be an eighty-two-year-old kleptomaniac. The vibration of the chair was so fierce, I couldn’t hear a thing..or maybe that was just me moaning?

Moaning from the vibration…not from being a sick pervert.

There’s only so much vibrating a man can do in one day. Just as I was about to head home, I saw it. The words “Soil Tester” was poking out of a pile of mail long before Doug head out on this reunion.

I pulled it out from under the mail. Turned it on and inserted the metal spike into each plant. All sorts of signals went off. I was alerted what needed water, what needed to be placed in sunlight and what would be left as is.

This soil moisture gauge is something else. Almost magical? I’m certain that money tree will turn around in a matter of days.

Honestly, this little device might be the only reason Doug still has a jungle to come home to.

For a second, I almost stuck the gauge up my ass, to see if I needed moisture, sun or if I was all good. Good thing reason stepped in.

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