Dear Lady,
Despite me being a man, you need not think of me as such. I’m a soul, lost in the wind. Me and my pet lizard, Rocky.
The room for rent has so many holes, one can fill a short mug with rainwater on those stormy days. Poor Rocky has to wear a collar four inches in diameter around his neck so as not to disappear into the walls. It’s tiring to wake up every morning to handfuls of tourists pointing and laughing at your arse crack through the holes in the wall.
Rocky and I need a change. A big one. That’s why I’m petitioning you, Lady Gaga, to sweep Rocky and me off our feet/paws. He has the paws. I have the feet.
We need you. You might need us. Maybe I can polish your records with my tongue? People have always said, “Herbert, make use of yourself somehow.” My tongue is strong. The strongest part of my body. As my potential future adopted mother, you need to know where my strengths lie.
Rocky is great at getting into those strange crevices. I could attach a toothbrush to his body, and any grime on the bottom of your soles can be scrubbed clean. He might fall asleep in one of them, so please check before putting any shoes on.
Don’t worry about my five hundred and two plastic bags. They’re well maintained. I’ll neatly stow them away in a high-up closet. You could borrow a few. They’re strong and keep bread fresh for days.
Oh, for crying out loud, here comes the rain again. It’s about thirty minutes out, but I have to tape the plastic bags to the wall so that Rocky and I don’t drown.
Again, we need a change, and so might you. Please consider us as your adopted children.
Love,
Herbert Yamaguchi III